Trigun Drabbles
by the old fart
Summary: Post-anime drabbles. Some spoilers. Mild swearing, sexual innuendo, and general naughtiness. No plot whatsoever.
1. The Laundry Saga Part 1: Wash

Meryl hated the smell of bleach, but it was the only way to get the whites really white.

"Goddamn Anal-Retentive plant," she grumbled.  "Wash your own damn underwear.  He's lucky I need a white uniform."  She absentmindedly dumped a cup of bleach into the wash, when she noticed a flash of platinum blond in the upstairs window.

"...He shouldn't be able to move yet,.." Meryl thought worriedly.

Frowning, she turned back to the washtub....

...And nearly screamed at the sight of blood-colored water.  

After calming her racing heart, she looked closer.  It wasn't blood, Thank God.  It was....

"...DYE?!?"


	2. The Laundry Saga Part 2: Rinse

****

An hour of scrubbing later, the red had faded to pink.  "That's a pretty color," remarked Millie.  "Here's the bleach."

"Thanks," Meryl replied.  "What is it with those two and the color red?"

"Well, it reminds Mr. Vash of their mother," Millie pondered.  "As for Mr. Knives...."

Meryl shuddered.  "I *really* don't want to know."

"...He's thrifty," Millie continued.  "He asked me to buy red dye when it went on sale.."  

"Figures," Meryl groused, rummaging through the wash.  "Hah!"  She held up a pair of pink briefs.

"Mr. Knives' underwear?"  Millie blinked.  "Aren't you going to bleach them?"

Meryl smirked.


	3. The Laundry Saga Part 3: Dry

A/N:  There's a reference here to a fanfic called "Semper Ubi Sub Ubi" by Jaina & Arafel (waves hi).  They like yellow duckies, apparently.

****

****

"... told you it'd backfire..."

Knives snorted.  "It lacks originality." 

They glanced out.  Dangling from the flagpole, beneath Vash's white boxers with yellow duckies, was Knives' pink briefs.

"You gotta admit," Vash grinned, "this battle of wits *has* lifted your mood."

"It's hardly a challenge," Knives grumbled. "I expected...innovation."

Disappointed with Meryl?  Knives?  This was new.

"Speaking of challenges... won any chess games against Millie?"

"... I thought of a new strategy- but she's sleeping."

Regret?  Was Knives _enjoying_ his interactions with the girls?

"Spiders do have their uses," Knives admitted.

Vash blinked.  Was Knives _accepting_ humans?

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!"

"They're entertaining."


	4. The Laundry Saga Part 4: Fold

****

After a full shift at the diner, Meryl still had insurance paperwork.

She glared at the half-finished report, then began to type.

"Vash the Stampede- What the hell?!?"

Neatly typed on the report was "Bite mea Tmidvala"

**"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!  WHO SWITCHED THE LETTERS ON MY TYPEWRITER?!?"**

Next door, Vash winced.  "Great.  Now I have to calm her down."

Knives grinned. "Complaining, dear brother?  I thought you enjoyed restraining her."

He ducked when his brother spewed coffee across the room. 

Vash eyed him warily.  "You're... accepting.. us?"

Knives blinked.  Did he? 

...the idiot _seemed_ happier...

"Humph.  Hardly."

Vash smiled into his coffee.


	5. The Laundry Saga Part 5: Wear

****

Vash cringed as Mrs. Petersen hobbled towards them.  

"Isn't that the ancient spider who pinched your butt, brother?" 

"Eep!"  Vash scurried inside the house.

"Coward." 

Knives scowled at Edna Petersen, the town's oldest (human) inhabitant.  

"Hello, sonny!" she sniggered.   

"Figured you'd need these." She nodded at the flagpole, then handed Knives a box.

He eyed it suspiciously.  

"Open it," she prodded.

He would not display weakness in front of spiders...

He opened the box, and found...

A leopard-print thong?  

Edna winked. 

Knives screamed girlishly and ran (it runs in the family).

Edna chuckled.  " Meryl's right.  Tweaking him is fun."


	6. Entomology 101

"Millie? Where's Knives?"

"Reading in his room. He's researching human... taxidermy?"

Vash blanched. He rushed into Knives' room.

"Knives! You can't stuff and mount humans like... hunting trophies!"

Knives blinked. "Huh?"

"Millie said you're researching taxidermy!"

" Not taxidermy, _Taxonomy_. The science of classifying organisms. "

"Oh."

"...Why are you reading 'Entomology of Gunsmoke'?" 

"I'm classifying humans. You're right, Vash. Not all humans are spiders."

Vash stared at him, stunned.

"For instance, the two human females. The big one is a 'Harvestman' or 'Opilione', a large, intimidating arachnid that is harmless."

"And the small one," Knives smirked, "is a scorpion."

A/N: Modified for Sephiroth1Ripley8! (I really did mean the non-spider Daddy Long legs. And they are harmless to butterflies and humans, unless the butterfly is dead, 'cuz they're scavengers... no venom or fangs, just stinky-glands that squirt when the animal is threatened. See? Just like Millie...

And thank you to my other reviewers! 


	7. Entomology 102

"I _am_ the elusive Mayfly known as love -OW!"  A derringer bounced off Vash's head.

"That's a dumb comparison," Knives grumbled.  "Mayflies don't eat.  They only live for a few day and die after...uh... " Ugh, better not mention the mating part.

"Anyway, at the rate you gorge yourself, you're still a nymph."

"I'm not a girl!"  Vash protested.

"Idiot, a 'nymph' is the juvenile stage of a mayfly. They live for years and are omnivorous- they'll l eat anything."

"Extended immaturity, eats everything in sight," Meryl sighed.  "That's Vash, all right."

Millie frowned.  "So...does that make Meryl a nymphomaniac?'


	8. Kitty Litter

"Argh!  That damn cat!"

Kuroneko had left another 'present' in Meryl's office.

"This whole planet is one big litter box, but no, she has to shred my new report and do her business in it!"

Still cursing, Meryl took the mess downstairs to the kitchen.  "I swear she's doing it on purpose," she muttered.  "It's almost as if someone were telling her what to do..."

Meryl's eyes narrowed dangerously.  She turned and looked thoughtfully at Knives.

For the first time in his long life, Knives silently thanked his idiot brother for teaching one useful thing-

-How to look _angelically_ innocent.


	9. Entomology 210

"Mama! Spider!"

Vash frowned. "Alex, you know mommy doesn't like being called-"

"Spider! Spider, Mama!" The toddler waved a clenched fist excitedly. 

Meryl glared at Knives. "Did you-"

"Alas, no," Knives grinned.

"Mama!" Alex was nearing hysterics. 

Meryl sighed. "OK, honey, let's go." She knelt down to pick him up.

"No! Mama spider!" Alex shook his fist angrily in her face. 

Meryl's heart sank. She knew it was a mistake to let Knives baby-sit, even for a few minutes.

"Alex, honey, listen. It's not nice to call mommy a-"

"Spider!" cried Alex gleefully, and dropped his spider on Meryl's head.

A/N: Reality inspires again. Luckily I got a terrified wolf spider, not a stink bug or black widow.


	10. Instructions not included

"...Um...What are you doing?"

"...Er...I don't know... I've never done this before... Have you?"

"NO!"

"...Uh-oh..."

"...I've heard of forty-year old virgins, but _this_ is... unbelievable."

"... You seemed to know what to do..."

(Whack!)

"You're the pervert! You're supposed to know!"

"... Would you believe the things you hear in bars?"

"...Great....Sex Ed from drunks..."

"Well, we should be able to figure this out. There's only one way this could work, right?.. Isn't it a sort of 'insert tab A into slot B' type of thing?"

"What, now I'm a Thomas harness?!?"

"...Hm, maybe a couple of ways...."

(Whack!)


	11. Ultrasound of Life

"I thought you ran the ultrasound sensor thingy _over_ her stomach," Vash grumbled.

"Not this early in pregnancy." Doc squeezed a dollop of gel on the tip of the ultrasound probe, then unrolled a long, cylindrical plastic cover over it. "The fetus is too small. We have to get closer."

"That just looks so rude," Vash muttered. "Do you really have to get _that _close?!?"

"Stop complaining," Meryl snapped. "_You're_ not the one with their legs in the stirrups!"

"Most men feel threatened," chuckled Doc. " And rightly so. Time to check the prostate, Vash. Vash?.. It was a joke..."


	12. Hello MarySue, Where are You?

A beautiful blonde woman with sapphire colored eyes sauntered into town.

"Hi, I'm Mary-sue!"

"What a hottie!" screamed Vash.

"Attractive for a spider," Knives admitted.

"Bitch," snarled Meryl.

"OK, we've established Meryl's bitchy and jealous," Millie announced. "We've done our part. Bye!."

"I'm a Plant!" Mary-sue smiled.

"I'm in love," cried Knives.

"I don't wanna fight Knives over you," Vash whined.

"You don't have to. Plants have double fertilization, remember?"

Both brothers stared. "You mean..."

"Yep. Both of you."

"Seriously?"

"Serially?

"Simultaneously."

"But how?"

Mary-Sue shrugged. "Beats me. And neither does the author. But she has an _extremely_ active imagination."


	13. MarySue Number Two

A/N: Sorry, should have clarified earlier. A 'Mary-Sue' is many things, but the commonest definition is a character based on the author, but is smarter, prettier, sexier, etc. than the author herself. I.e., what we all secretly wish we were.  
I actually don't mind Mary-Sues, as long as they're at the very least self-aware and the author uses a spell-checker. Unfortunately, spellcheckers don't do homonyms, which sometimes leads to interesting results!  
  
Heavily influenced by "Trigun: The Mary Sue", by Zula. It appears to be on hiatus right now.  
  
A beautiful blonde woman with sapphire colored ayes sauntered into town.

"I'm Marie-su!"

"What a babe!" screamed Vash the Stamped

"Where in love!" sang Legalo, Midevialley & Knifes.

"But your dead!" cried Milli.

"And/or gay!" added Merly.

"Dead characters often revive upon my arrival," Mary-su shrugged. "And gay men become straight because of my presents. It's a job perk."

"Job perk?" snapped Merl. "That explains you're perky smile, perky personality, perky tits and-"

"Since you're omnipotent," Vash interrupted hastily, "could you fix the spelling mistakes in this story?"

Mari-sue shook her head. "Sorry, Vash, even **my** powers have their limits.


	14. Plain Ol' Mary Sue

A beautiful blonde woman with sapphire colored eyes sashayed up to their table.

"Hi, I'm Mary-sue! I'm-"

"A plant?" Meryl hissed.

"A genetically altered human?" Millie suggested.

"A loving, completely ordinary woman," Knives groaned. "Someone I can fall in love with, so I learn to appreciate humans."

"No, I-"

"was mysteriously transported here from Earth?" Vash scurried under the table. "Those are _really_ scary," he whispered.

"A telepath." Millie piped up.

"Wrong hair color," Meryl muttered.

"The sibling of one of the Gung-Ho Guns." gruumbled Knives.

-your waitress." She gave the group a strange look. "Would you like to order?"


	15. Wedding Plants

A/N: Hello. I've just realized I've forgotten to thank my gracious reviewers: a place in the stars, ATO, chaoticpyro, Magnetrose, Sepik, Tearoses, yma, and anyone else I may have missed. Thank you for your time and kind words. And some of you should really stop drinking soda at your computer, it'll rot the circuits! Try beer instead, it's less acidic. :) (Unless you're underage, then maybe drink... um... Oh, never mind.)  
  
And I freely admit to cheating on this one. Millie says line 2 all in one breath, & MS Word counts it as one word, so I rationlized it's one word.   
  
"I'm so happy for you two!" Millie cried.  
"Haveyousetadateyet?CanIbethemaidofhonor?Merylareyougoingtowearwhite?Areyous  
tillgoingtohaveathreeteirchocolategenoisecakewithwhitebuttercreamfrostingand  
whitechocolatemousefilling?"  
Vash blinked. "Uh...We were thinking of something simple, like  
...eloping?"  
"How romantic!" Millie squealed. "We need someone to marry you, like a  
priest- Oh......"  
"Or... a judge?"  
...the sheriff?"  
Meryl sighed. "That's OK, Vash. We don't need to get married. I don't  
think we need a public record of this."  
Vash frowned. "But..." He thought for a moment. "I know! Rem said some  
people on Earth had a 'commitment ceremony' to show their devotion to each  
other!"  
"That's perfect, Mr. Vash! Meryl always said anyone who married you should  
be committed!"  
  



	16. Family Planting

A/N: Ah, how we wish this were true. Sadly, it is not.  
  
"I've got it," Doc announced. "Plants need double fertilization- one for  
the baby, one for the placenta."  
After a moment of stunned silence-  
"I'll do the baby!" Vash cried happily. "You do the placenta, Knives."  
"What? I'm older!"  
"She's my wife!"  
"SHUT UP!!!" Meryl shrieked.  
She glared at Doc. "Let me get this straight. The baby needs... TWO...  
fathers?!?"  
Doc nodded.  
"You mean... with HIM?!?"  
Knives fainted.  
Doc coughed. "There's an alternative...The 'turkey baster method."  
"Turkey?"  
"Oops- I should say the "thomas baster" method?"  
Meryl collapsed next to Knives.  
"Doc," Vash murmured, "do you know how big a thomas is?"  
  



	17. Name calling

  
  
Vash had been called many things in his long life.  
(Monster. Angel. Freak.)  
Most of the monikers were accurate.  
(The Stampede. Humanoid Typhoon. Diablo. Gunslinger.)  
(...Murderer...)  
Often, they were contradictory.  
(Outlaw. Hero. Villain. Savior.)  
Some always made him smile.  
(Tongari. Pervert. Spot.)  
But the ones he treasured most were the ones he never thought he would  
hear.  
(Friend.)  
(Husband.)  
"Brother, where-"  
"Daddy!"  
"Grandpa!"  
"Uncle!"  
"GAH!!" Vash disappeared under a pile of gangly limbs and blond hair.  
"Idiot," Knives grumbled. He fished Vash out of the pile.  
Luckily, he no longer had to choose which was his favorite name.  
"Thanks, Knives."  
  



	18. The obvious question

  
"Humans are parasites!"  
"All beings have a right to live!"  
"Um... excuse me..."  
The brothers turned to stare at Millie, the only human brave enough (and  
oblivious enough) to interrupt their century-plus-long argument.  
"Have you asked?"  
They stared, mystified. "Huh?"  
"Have you asked the Plant Angels?" Millie repeated patiently. "If humans  
hurt them," she added.  
There was an embarrassed silence as they glanced at each other.  
"Um..."  
"You haven't asked, have you?"  
"Err..."  
"...No."  
"Maybe you should ask them first?" Millie suggested. "They probably have  
an opinion, too."  
"Um...."  
"You guys do want to stop arguing, don't you?"  
"Err..."  
"...Yes?"  



	19. Astronomy 101

  
By three months, the twins were asking sophisticated questions.   
"Why are we looking for a home?" Vash asked one day. "We have the ship- why can't we live here forever?"   
"The ships can't support all the sleepers when they wake up," Rem explained. "And there won't be enough space. We need a planet- another Earth."   
"What's a planet?" asked Knives.   
So Rem explained how planets orbited around stars. "Like this," she said, as she circled around the boys. "Do you understand now?"   
Knives nodded solemnly. "We are the suns," he pointed to himself & Vash, "and you are the Earth." 


	20. Typos

  
A heavily made-up woman in a skin-tight dress sashayed up to the desk.  
"Hi," she purred. "I'm Mary-Sue."  
She embodies all humanity's sins, Legato mused.  
"Your skills?" he demanded.  
"I can suck a golf ball through..."  
"NO. Lethal skills."  
She winked. "I'm deadly in bed."  
Legato grimaced. "We require absolute devotion to our Master and his  
cause. You're obviously in the wrong place. Good-day."  
"What?!"  
"If you cannot kill," Legato said calmly, "you are not qualified."  
"This doesn't say anything about killing!" She jabbed at a small  
classified ad.  
'Wanted: Talented individuals to form the "Gung 'ho Guns.'  
  
........  
  
"WOLFWOOD!!!!!"  
  



	21. Ego

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, folks! Glad you enjoy the ramblings.

And ramblings they are. Sorry, Sepik, but there's no plot here. Just random thoughts. Some of my drabbles will contradict each other. That's because plot and continuity would require thought and time, two things I lack.

On to the drabbles.

Foolish humans.

Little do they know a superior being walks amongst them.

Soon, they will worship me as Master.

But until I heal...

... I suffer their indignities.

The children are the worst. They assume I like to play, just because I'm around that spiky-haired idiot.

I smile contemptuously as I await my opportunity. His attention will wander. It always does just about now...

"Salmon sandwiches!" He cries. "Thanks Granny!"

The woman smiles when she sees me.

"And one for you, Master," she grins.

I'll ignore her insolence this once. Hell, I'll even be gracious. I'll acknowledge her presence.

"Nyao."


	22. Fairy Tales

****

When I was little, I dreamt my knight in shining armor would sweep me off my feet and carry me away on his white horse.

At 16, I decided shining armor & white horses were unrealistic.

By 20, I realized Mr. Right wouldn't appear at my... cubicle.

Then _that_ assignment came.

How could I know? When I saw him, His Dorkiness couldn't ride a Thomas, and his armor wasn't shiny.

Besides, Prince Charming slays dragons. He doesn't accidentally destroy towns... or moons.

And "Happily Ever After" shouldn't include bounty hunters or psychotic siblings.

I never thought fairy tales came true.


	23. Someplace they never thought they'd be d...

They'd followed Vash for 17 years, all over the godforsaken planet.

"You guys are like lice on a thomas," he grumbled once. "Or shadows. Can't shake you."

"Yep!" Millie agreed happily. "We're your twin shadows, Mr. Vash!"

Vash glanced at his two shadows cast by the twin suns, and smiled faintly at them. He never mentioned it again.

They'd followed him through bustling cities and tiny hamlets. They'd wandered through caravans, hijacked sand steamers (twice!), hospitals, crashed SEEDs ships, and the inevitable bars and saloons

But... a graveyard?

"Damn it, Vash," Meryl cried, "You weren't suppose to die before me!"****

****


	24. Millie's Matchmaker Thesaurus

****

Millie was annoyed.

"I don't understand why people think I should date Mr. Knives," she grumbled. "Even if I _could _forgive him for killing Wolf... Mr. Priest... He's done so many horrible things that he's not sorry for."

"Mr. Knives is not a nice person," Millie declared. "Besides, he's impotent."

"What?!" Meryl spluttered.

"He always finishes early," Millie complained, "And he blames me when I come late, or when he can't get it off."

"Get what off?" Meryl choked out.

"The breakfast tray," Millie replied. "He eats so fast."

Meryl sighed, relieved. "You mean he's _impatient_, Millie."

"Exactly," Millie agreed.


	25. The Chess Series

A/N: Using chess as a metaphore is not original (i.e. the muscial "Chess" by Tim Rice & Bjorn Andersen). But it's fun, nonetheless.

**I. Chess: Knives vs. Vash**

Black and white. Perfectly square, orderly, neat. Clear, established rules.

The chessboard.

His world.

A child's world.

He still sees everything in absolutes.

Right **or** wrong. Win **or** Lose.

Unfortunately, life is gray, irregular shapes with fuzzy edges.

Right, wrong, or both? Win, lose, draw, truce, forfeit, or Pyrrhic victory?

And the rules constantly shift and change. They're not rigid and inflexible...

"VASH!"

... Like the stick up his ass! ..

... if he got drunk...

...or laid...

...or.. both!...

...maybe...

"What the hell are you grinning about, idiot? Make your move already!"

Oh, yeah. Completely, utterly, shit-faced drunk.

"Checkmate."

**II. Chess: Knives vs. Millie**

"Math is objective and unbiased," Knives said.

"So... it doesn't matter what people think of you, if your answer's right, you're right?" Millie frowned as she moved her bishop.

"Yes. The beauty of mathematics is that there's only one correct answer."

"I thought... sometimes, in higher math, there_ can _be more than one solution."

Knives stared. "**You** know calculus?"

Millie blinked. "Huh?"

Knives sighed. He was reading too much into her ramblings.

Except... she was right. Some problems **did** have more than one solution. Granted, some solutions were more difficult than others, but...

Millie giggled. "I forgot! Check!"

He grudgingly moved his king back.

**III. Chess: Knives vs. Meryl**

"You arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, pompous ass!" Meryl screamed.

Knives grinned. "But we ARE superior to humans."

"Screw your superiority," Meryl snarled. "Next you'll tell me your farts don't stink."

"Actually, our intestinal microbial biota differs significantly from humans. We lack the methanogenic archeabacteria that-."

"What the hell are you saying?" Meryl growled.

"My farts, as you so crudely refer to them, do not stink," Knives said archly.

CRASH!

Downstairs, Vash winced. "They've never even STARTED a game," he sighed.

Millie patted Vash's shoulder sympathetically. "Yes, but this time, they went a whole 10 minutes before overturning the chessboard."A?N:

A/N: This one is a bit AU, if you assume chess on Gunsmoke is the same as chess on Earth. It's influenced by the fanfic "Dark Sun," by Callay. The author explores some interesting issues- how has human culture changed since getting marooned on Gunsmoke? Nighttow clearly implies changes have happened- "iles", not "miles", "double dollars", etc. What else has changed?

**IV. Chess: Knives vs. Millie II**

"You can't move the knight there." Knives growled.

"It's a Thomas, not night, and why can't I move it there?" Millie asked.

"It's _supposed _to be an armored warrior on a horse." Knives explained.

"So why is it shaped like a Thomas?" Millie was truly puzzled.

"I don't know," Knives grumbled. "Chess survived a thousand years, intact, on Earth. yet you have managed to corrupt it almost beyond recognition within a mere 150 years."

"Chess is one of the few inventions of humanity that is worth saving."

"Like Plants," Millie agreed, distracted by the chessboard.

**V. Chess: Knives vs. **

"I know what you're thinking."

Knives stared into the eyes of his current opponent. The large, unblinking green eyes merely regarded him innocently.

"That last move was unexpected," he admitted. "But if you're going for unpredictability, your strategy is painfully transparent."

Knives knew he would get no response, so he moved his queen across the board.

"Check," he smirked.

A black rook flew across the board, knocking his white King over.

Knives blinked. He lost...? True, he had underestimated Vash & the larger female spider. But it was impossible to underestimate this opponent!

"How..." He stared across the board.

"Nyao."


End file.
